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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Keeping it Real

Editor's note - this isn't true - not a word of it. It's just made up to annoy you. Take it as you will.

As I was shopping today, I overheard a conversation between two people with whom I shared my table in the Food Court. These two gentlemen agreed with each other whole-heartedly.

"A sales clerk had the nerve, the audacity to wish me "Happy Holidays." It's "Merry Christmas" you snot rag! My ancestors didn't come to this country, fight in it's wars, pay its taxes and help to build this great melting pot, only to have some mixed-race teenager, (I thought she was black at first, but I don't know... a lot of cream in that coffee, if you know what I mean), denigrate the Lord's birthday with that secular crap.


We have to keep the Christ in Christmas. It's none of your business that I won't be working in a soup kitchen, or helping out at a children's hospital or tending to the poor, or any of that tree-hugging nonsense. I won't be giving up on presents or feasting or raising a glass or two with my "friends", (some are just business friends or acquaintences, but you know, it's Christmas). I don't need to do any of that... as long as I demand that you use the words I choose, that covers my responsibility. I can stand with all of the other real Americans proudly.

I will be carrying on the traditions of my country, as it should be. I'll go to Mass on Christmas Eve, so I've got it covered. There's no need to be drastic. How I've spent every Christmas will be just fine, thank you very much.

So, the next time you want to show a stranger how little you know about America, wish 'em a Happy Holiday. How dare you wish me peace and happiness beyond the confines of my religious views? Who do you think you are, wishing me happiness, whether I'm Christian or not? I am, dammit. And don't you forget it. This country was built on the idea that you spend what you make, and a little more at this time of year. Give until it hurts. Not in any meaningful way, but just monetarily... so you can say you gave, and you can hold your head up in church while praying for an end to poverty and struggle, knowing that you've done your duty as a good, God-fearin' American.

Happy Holidays. As if I care that people of other faiths or no faith at all join my Christian brothers and sisters in poverty, sickness, ignorance and hopelessness. How dare you wish them happiness beyond the embrace of the arms of our sacred symbols? Just because every single religion and culture before Christianity had a way to mark the winter solstice doesn't mean that this isn't really the day of the birth of our savior! So, don't go muddying the waters with facts and reason.

Santa knows. Santa knows that this time of year is for saying one thing and doing another. He knows that we talk about Peace on Earth, but we fund the sweatshops and human rights abuse factories all over the world so Furbys can live again! And, Santa knows all about you, too. I hope you get nothing but coal, you pinko leftist.