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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Satire - Sort of

Previously published on my facebook page - JD
People say to me, "You should run for office.  You could be President! You like to read, you like to think. You like to understand the issues and formulate an opinionated response.  Why don't you run?"  Whenever I hear this, I smile, and shake my head.  I appreciate the sentiment, but it just can't be.

 "Why?" they ask. "Is it because politicians start out as principled public servants who then get broiled under the heat lamp of public scrutiny to the point of manic depression?"  "No, " I say.  "Well, is it because you don't want to put your family through the endless intrusions on your time with them?" "True enough, " I reply, "But that's not it."  "Well," they cry, "could it be that you don't feel that you're stong enough to outthink and out manuever your opponents in the filthy, backstabbing, moral void that has become American politics?" "Nope, " I say.  "Then, why can't you be President?" they ask pleadingly. "It's simple, " I say.

 "I have a moustache.  The best I could hope for would be to do the sports report on the eleven o'clock news.

""You see, " I explain patiently, "Americans like their politicians to be the embodiment of what they, themselves, consider to be the best of us. And, that means they have to be telegenic.  They have to look good on TV.  Moustaches don't look friendly. Moustaches don't look sweet. You can't be a clean-cut, all-American boy with a moustache.  A comb-over is fine. Three ex wives and an illegitimate love child, sure. A compete lack of accountability and a minimal grasp of the language, no problem.  But a moustache?  No way"

"So, shave it off!"  They say dismissively.  "You'll look younger!  It'll work!"  "Nope, " I say. "That would require me to change based on what others would like.  If I did that, the next thing you know, I'd have to get a tattoo to appeal to the younger voters.   Then, I'd have to start pretending to be fiscally responsible, while secretly giving in to my most wanton desires. I'd have to open up off-shore accounts to hold all the money that would be pouring in from the Family Values coalitions and the Hollywood elite, because by then I would have learned how to talk out of my mouth and my ass at the same time.  I would have to start banging campaign staffers in between news conferences with my family standing next to me at the podium. I'd be fending off accusations of wrongdoing while professing my innocence with a wink and a nod.  I'd have to write a book that nobody reads, demand that my corporate masters buy enough copies to put it on NY Times best seller list, while decrying the bias of that particular newspaper's editorial board."

Nope.  I'm happy to sit here where it's safe to whine and complain in my impotent rage. Maybe I'll grow a beard.